i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
