I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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