I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
