you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
