I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
