You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
