Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
