Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
