Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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