That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
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