see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
