Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
