i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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