Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
