i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
