just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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