i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
