oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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