Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
