Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
