if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
