Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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