She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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