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Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
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