He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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