He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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