i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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