You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
