Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
