Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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