the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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