Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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