ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
