I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
