If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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