Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
