I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
