ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
