EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
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Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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