the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
