A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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