we're chasing vodka with high fives
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
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I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
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If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize