i just sent this text using only my big toe
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
