Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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