don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
