hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
