She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
