Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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