Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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