just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
