I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize