I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
