4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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