he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The air was thick with penises
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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