Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
