We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
